This Guy Walked Into a Bar…

What my friend Jack Feldstein told me the other day is this:
“Over here I have fallen in love with a gal. She has pretty eyes, is kind to me and knows how to ride a horse.”

I can only deduce the following scenario, considering the 5 facts I know:

1. She is a girl

2. She is in the outback

3. She has pretty eyes

4. She is kind (to Jack)

5. She knows how to ride a horse.

Jack Feldstein, the infamous animator, pushed open the swinging doors to the High Noon Saloon with the force of a lady bug. With holstered pistol, he plodded himself onto the first open bar stool. Uttering the now-famous line from Drip-Along Daffy, he spoke clearly and with gusto, “Make mine a double-pasteurized milkshake, bartender, with a swammy-yogurt chaser.” A silence befell the joint. “Well…a…a…,” Jack nervously stuttered, “I don’t drink, you see…a…a…s’bad for the, uh, liver, and, uh, the brain.”

Naturally, this admission did not help poor Jack, who suddenly noticed the sudden approach of a sudden pack of wild and woolly riff-raff. “Suddenly,” the leader suddenly spoke, “this place got a whole lot fancier.” Jack gulped so apparently that his neck was red from the friction. “I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t think I was intruding. You know, um, this saloon is big enough for the both of us.” “Hey girls,” the leader continued, “this clown thinks this saloon is big enough for the both of us. Ain’t that funny, girls?”

The gang of girls (wild and woolly women if you ask me) guffawed like a gaggle of geese. “Maybe we should find out by a little science experiment!” one of the renegades cried. “Yea” the gang echoed in agreement. “I know a lot of cool science stuff,” the always-ready Jack interjected, “like how to make a volcano with baking soda, or, like, that spinny thing with two litres of water.”

“I was thinking something a little different,” the leader added. “How about this; I’m going to try out my six-shooter on your curly-mopped scalp. Once you are taken care of, my girls will toss you out of those there swinging doors.” “Where’s the science experiment in that?” Jack asked in consternation. “Once you are gotten rid of, we will see if the place was, in fact, big enough for the both of us.”

“But that doesn’t even make sense,” Jack pleaded, all the while reaching for his pistol, “I mean, shouldn’t we try cohabiting here for a while? If it doesn’t work, then we will find out if it is big enough for the both of us or not. In your plan, we will never know, and it is certainly no scientific experiment.”

BANG!

was written on the flag that his pistol rolled out. “Ha, girls…you see, I present no harm. I’m just a little jester, you see, nothing to worry about…” The girls pressed further in anger. “Get him, girls,” the leader bellowed.

“Not so fast!” a girl with pretty eyes intervened. This guy is with me; if you have a problem with him, you’ll have me to answer to first.

“We don’t want any problems, Annie. We were just having a little fun, that’s all. Please, don’t think nothin’ of it,” the leader whimpered, “here, we’ll buy him a drink, is that ok? Barkeep, let’s get another round of milkshakes, ok?” Annie didn’t look convinced, and she shot the fattest member of the gang. “OK, Trixie, we’ll call it a day.” Annie began to walk out of the saloon. Jack, unsure of his good fortune, ran towards her. He turned back and, facing the gang, stuck his tongue out defiantly. The girls cowered in fear. Her arms extended to the swinging doors, Annie spoke to Jack, “are you coming with me or not, kid?”

“Oh, yes, I sure will.”

“My horse is parked over by the trough,” she said sweetly. Her melodic timbre reminded Jack of his mother. He mounted her from the back and put his arms around Annie’s abdomen. They galloped toward the sunset; “Gee,” Jack spoke with his head rested upon Annie’s back, “you sure do know how to ride a horse.”